by Opator | Mar 10, 2022 | Self-Awareness
New Year’s seems to be the rare time we hear the word “resolution,” but we make and break them daily. Learn how resolutions should act.
A new year has come, reviving the cheerful hum of New Year’s resolutions once again. I have always enjoyed making New Year’s resolutions because setting goals and writing them down with a fresh new start makes my visions more tangible. But my enjoyment and practice of goal making didn’t start with New Year’s. As I think about my goals for the New Year, I realize that all of them have nothing to do with the New Year but with what I have long seen in myself. These resolutions are simply an outgrowth of the continuous self-examination I always try to practice. Hence my solutions are of much greater significance than a passing thought during New Year’s Eve parties or a suggested one I read on the Internet.
See how others see changing their lives this year. Still, instead of giving you the “Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions,” I suggest thinking about how you might want to choose resolutions and how you can view those choices for the new year and beyond.
Redefining
A “strong decision to do or not do anything” is a “resolution.” Unfortunately, with the high failure rate of New Year’s resolutions, the word’s original definition is now a joke.
People don’t have to make firm decisions about what to do or not do on New Year’s Day. It may be better NOT to make them during that time at all. This is a great tradition. Making goals to enact positive change is good, yet they shouldn’t come out of anywhere.
You will not achieve your goals if, deep down, they are unimportant to you. For example, “reduce weight.” It would be nice to “get organized,” and it would be nice to “fall in love,” but the question now is, why now and why you? What is your motivation for change? A new calendar year? Shouldn’t changes be more than seasonal bragging rights? Shouldn’t they be made because you have come to a point when you recognize that you need to change for your well-being?
Take Time to Reflect
It requires some deep self-examination. One will make goals deeply connected to who they are if they take the time to recall what is most important in life. So take a step back from the noisemakers and champagne to find some time to deeply reflect on where you are in your life: where you have been, where you are going, or where you hope to be. Then, daily, weekly, monthly, or annual resolutions may be set.
Doing this every week is even more beneficial. Taking some downtime for yourself after the busy work week is essential for our mental, physical and spiritual health. Consider who you are, your life, and your goals. How can you use your daily time more wisely to achieve those goals? The more self-aware we are, the more daily tasks we must perform a higher plan and purpose for our life.
Many people choose to quit a disgusting habit for the New Year, such as smoking. So, January 1st rolls around, and they decide, that’s it, I’ve quit smoking for good? One needs to ask, what has kept them from leaving the habit before? How did they start? Reflection of this nature takes the psychological and motivational factors into account. Once we target these, we may develop many smaller resolutions to heal the mind barriers or distractions holding us back.
What’s Most Important?
While reflecting on our most cherished goals, we may find that having more “stuff” or doing more “things” is an unfulfilling goal. So instead of overthinking revamping your wardrobe, how about updating your human relationships and quality of life? For example, think about how you treat others. Are you respectful, patient, kind, angry, superficial, or arrogant? So often, the “little” things, like how we conduct ourselves, become the “big” things and even keep us from achieving those resolutions.
Concluding the Matter
Make sure your resolution holds significance to you beyond the calendar. New Year’s Day is certainly not a sufficient motivation. Look at the big picture, and be true to your values. It would be better to make no New Year’s resolution than to make one you would never achieve because you read it off the Internet. One of my “resolutions” is to make non-New year’s resolutions for the record.
by Opator | Mar 10, 2022 | Self-Awareness
Reflection is the most important thing about writing in a personal journal. So when creating your journal, make it inviting and inspiring.
Why start a personal journal?
Keeping a personal journal has proven to be an effective tool in problem-solving, personal growth, record keeping. Moreover, it can be an enjoyable hobby if you are willing to keep it simple. So, where to begin?
How should I format it?
You may maintain a journal in numerous ways. A journal can be as simple as a sheet of lined paper (or blank if you prefer), a pen, and your thoughts written down. A serial can also be via an online blog system such as:
WordPress: This is an open-sourced, PHP-based blog system. It is available to download at WordPress.org to host on your server, or you can have a free blog at WordPress.com.
Blogger: Google’s a free weblog publishing tool. Google offers a tour of Blogger’s features here.
It is not an exclusive list of available blogging platforms and the format, whether online or offline, is entirely your choice.
If you select an online journal, keep this in mind.
Please keep in consideration if you choose to write a personal journal online in the form of a blog (an online journal), your posts will be public, and your privacy will be at risk. Another critical thought to consider is the internet does not forget. Search engines compile links, and they remain archived forever.
Tips to keep you on track
- Suppose you traditionally chose to keep a personal journal (I.e., hardbound book, notebook, binder, etc.), then keep it private. Keeping it confidential will allow you to write without fear of judgment or criticism from others.
- Write in your journal daily. If you lack inspiration or a topic to write about, use a search engine to find a variety of journal topic prompts. Prompts will give you either question format starters or incomplete sentences to expand on.
- Proper English, grammar, and spelling do not matter in your journal. Write freely, thoughtlessly, and include all the slang and abbreviations that make your soul smile.
- Make your journal personal. Write in your favorite quotes, list your favorite childhood movies, and describe your first kiss. You could also clip inspiring pictures from magazines and paste them in your journal, decorate the cover, or use various scrapbooking kits to make the journal unique to you.
Keeping a personal notebook is all about introspection. Being able to flip the pages back to the first entry you made and reflect on that day, the circumstances surrounding you, smile at accomplishments or enjoy a grand moment in your life.
How do I start a journal?
Traditional Journal
- Loose-leaf paper, a binder, and pens
- Spiral notebook
- Composition book
Online Format Journal
Ideas to make your traditional journal creatively all about you
- Purchase a scrapbooking kit of choice and decorate the pages throughout your journal to express your personality.
- Make colored copies of some of your favorite family photos and paste them throughout your journal in spontaneous places.
- Draw and/or doodle in your journal.
- Open random pages and place a series of question prompts for you to complete later.
- Open random pages and place your favorite quotes, scriptures, and/or psalms to reflect on later.
- Include various lists about all your favorite things in life. Repeat the list a year later and see if anything has changed.
Make your diary cozy, welcoming, and motivating. Allow it to be your confidant, friend, and place to share all your thoughts freely. Good luck with your personal journal experience.
by Opator | Mar 10, 2022 | Self-Awareness
By re-framing our concept of abuse, we can see that we are not victims of another’s trespasses but co-creators of experiences that help us grow.
American females are sexually molested 1 in 4 before they turn 18. In addition, this nation has 39 million survivors of sexual assault, most of whom will remain anonymous.
The effects of sexual abuse and assault may be far-reaching and subtle. Every two minutes, an adult woman is raped in America.
It’s reported that seventy to eighty percent of survivors of sexual abuse will use drugs and alcohol excessively. And research has shown that females who have been abused are more likely to suffer from eating disorders, confusion about their sexual identity, poor sex life, and relations with men.
These are external signifiers of inner conditions of low self-esteem, guilt, shame, and self-consciousness that survivors of abuse will often feel. For example, Mary Anne Cohen, the director of the New York Center for Eating Disorders, describes sexual abuse as a violation of the boundaries of the self.
In the instance of a child experiencing abuse, the perpetrator gains power over the victim through the act of abuse. The child, rendered helpless through a violation by someone in a more dominant position, will often spend their lives recreating vulnerable situations or trying to manipulate their external environments excessively. Such as their weight or appearance—to gain a feeling of control or power loss in their early years.
Ending Victimhood
But referring to an abuse survivor as a ‘victim’ is to reaffirm that state continually. In his book Wisdom of the Self‘, Paul Ferrini believes that every instance of abuse is an opportunity for healing for both perpetrator and victim. His stance is that we all enter this world with a certain degree of inadequacy about who we are and that “our self-doubt attracts to our relationships in which that doubt can be made conscious and explicit.”
He claims that this is not to say a child can be held responsible for acts of abuse against them, but that to heal, she must own the experience because it happened to her. It happened so that she could heal deep-rooted pain and self-loathing within her and provide her with the opportunity to learn forgiveness.
By re-framing her pain situation as an opportunity to gain empowerment, she can then go on to empower others through her experience.
Ferrini elaborates by saying that “whatever hidden beliefs or assumptions we have about ourselves will be externalized in our relationships. Everything that happens outside of us reflects an inner state.” Thus by recognizing our role as co-creators of our experience, however unpleasant that may seem, we acknowledge that we are nobody’s victim.
Forgiveness for Perpetrators of Abuse
Ferrini proposes that to find true healing, we must throw out the model of the innocent and guilty. Both parties’ abuse comes about from a shared motivation—the perpetrator is acting out from his feelings of self-hatred. To truly forgive, Ferrini believes we have to come from a stance of equality and recognize that all of us have been a perpetrator at some point in our lives.
By recognizing the darkness in ourselves, only then can we begin to comprehend darkness in others and find compassion for their suffering. Releasing oneself from the burden of condemnation of another is one of the most self-empowering acts. By re-framing the concept of perpetrator and victim to one where we are all on an equal playing field learning from our individual experiences, we see that every occasion is an opportunity for all sides to find greater wholeness and true healing within.
by Opator | Mar 10, 2022 | Self-Awareness
When making judgments, separate fact from opinion. However, unconscious biases, prejudices, and paradigms dominate our conscious reasoning.
Everyone has a limited worldview. The reason? Our brains can’t process everything, at least not consciously.
An Experiment
This idea is relatively simple to demonstrate. First, choose a partner: a spouse, a friend, anyone who will cooperate. Then, before revealing the purpose of the experiment, each looks around the present environment, a room, a garden, etc., and mentally records anything green. After that, have your partner close their eyes and relate everything they saw that was red. It will be difficult because the partner spent their energy focusing on green.
The point demonstrated by this experiment is that we tend to see what we want to see.
Bounded Judgements
The result of selective viewing is personal biases (e.g., inclined to one side of an issue), prejudices (e.g., judgments without due examination), and paradigms (e.g., patterns which influence how we view a situation: big is better; small is better).
To demonstrate paradigms further, the concept popularized by American psychologist Joel Barker (that everything that happens to us is processed by our brain and related to our own life experiences), let me refer to myself. I’m a geographer. I’m well aware that different people may view a forest differently than I do, depending on their paradigms. For example, a hunter will see a forest as an excellent place to hunt game. A forester will assess a forest for its resource potential. A farmer will consider the forest an obstacle that must be cleared before the land can be used for field crops. A city dweller may appreciate the forest for its natural beauty. A geographer, as an integrator, will consider all views. Each person will have a different paradigm about forests.
Now, stop reading and look at yourself: list any personal biases, prejudices, or paradigms you think you may have; perceptions based on your experiences and your parents, teachers, church, etc. They are essential to know because they affect your decisions.
As pointed out by the administration of Cite Man, “A growing amount of research shows that decision-makers assessments are prone to systematic biases and mistakes. These are initiatives to speed up decision-making.” They further point out that, “to minimize effort and avoid difficult trade-offs,” people rely too heavily on:
- experience
- emotions
- hunches
- handy thumb rules
Katherine L. Milkman of Harvard and her colleagues call this “bounded judgments,” or System 1 or Intuitive (fast, automatic and subconscious), in contrast to System 2 or reasoned (slow, conscious, logical) cognitive functioning.
The Issue of Subjectivity
We must be aware, not just of our own biases and prejudices but also of the viewpoints of others that influence our thinking.
The more we analyze media, for instance, the more we realize that all viewpoints and perspectives are, to some degree, biased. As viewers, we must acknowledge these prejudices. Only then can we understand and evaluate critical issues that require reasoned decisions.
In investigating any issue, for instance, we come across various information. In evaluating it, we must first analyze its subjective (opinion) or objective (factual), whether reporting facts or expressing the writer’s personal bias.
The Ratio of Facts to Opinions
Factual articles are those with substantiated evidence. They provide us with objective reporting, which allows us to form our conclusions. Editorials, in contrast, are generally based on the writer’s opinion. As such, they are subjective; they have biases.
When analyzing information to determine its level of objectivity, the following is a valuable set of steps:
- Read an article once to gain a sense of the author’s perspective;
- Reread and highlight all the facts (e.g., citations, recognized fact) in one color;
- Reread it, but this time underline any viewpoints (e.g., value judgments).
- Count up the number of points and express this as a ratio to the number of opinions
It will tell you if an article is objective or subjective:
- the more significant the ratio of facts to opinions, the more accurate it is;
- if views far outweigh the points, the piece is highly biased.
Rate this article, or perhaps the Cite Man article referenced above, if you are so inclined.
How to Make Better Choices
Boosting decision-making: How can people work at removing biases from their decision-making? Milkman and her colleagues suggest the following:
- Preferences should be able to move and not be affected by small changes in context.
- Revealed preferences (offered warnings of bias) should be consistent with stated preferences (stating direction of bias);
- Mathematical errors should not systematically arise;
- A decision-maker should be happy with their conclusion after calmly reflecting on it.
- An ideal decision is one that a decision-maker would approve of, whether their own or someone else’s.
by Opator | Mar 10, 2022 | Self-Awareness
Developing self-love is a process of speaking and acting according to your values, belief, and feelings.
Self-acceptance is a critical component of self-love. Instead of negative self-talk, you are your friend, whispering words of encouragement. Most of the time, how we are treated as children impacts how well we can love ourselves as adults, too. It’s harder to love yourself if you’ve been neglected, criticized, or even abused. Fortunately, we can fix this. According to Daphne Kingma, you may love yourself by speaking up, acting out, clearing, and setting.
Speak Out
The first thing to loving yourself is learning to honor your needs and feelings through communicating them to other people. Kingma defines speaking out as, “Taking the risk of saying the things you’ve never been able to say before. It involves advising others on how to be happy—speaking your mind. Saying what kind of support, passion, and friendship you need… ” (2004, p. 48).
So, how does one become a voice? Decide first what to say. Then, look back over the previous week; where do you struggle to speak up? Once you’ve clarified what you need to say, start small. Find people who are easier to express your needs and practice with them. Soon you can move on to more challenging situations. Speaking out requires courage but ultimately will lead to feeling higher self-worth.
Act Out
Action is the root of change. To love yourself more is to act by your beliefs, values, and feelings. Actions can include doing new things or following through on plans and goals. Kingma defines actions as “…energy, a new beginning, the transformation of how things are into the way you’d like them” (2004, p.81).
Knowing where to adjust is critical. Take a few minutes to write about what is working in your life and what you would like to change. Then, write down specific steps for change with the items that need action. Make these steps small enough to be manageable. After you switch, reflect on how you felt after you acted. If it didn’t feel right, adjust your goal.
Clear Out
Clutter fills your life, creating a sense of weight and dread. Clearing your space, energy, and body are all methods to clean away (Kingma, 2004). Kingma says, “When your body is clear – of chemical toxins, negative emotional residue, excess weight, and mental chatter – your soul can proceed toward goodness, truth, and beauty” (2004, p.111).
Where do you need to clear out? First, make a list of the areas which need some clearing. Prioritize first from most to least important. Then, starting at the top, break each item down into small steps.
Set Out
What is your biggest dream? What is your top passion? Enjoy cooking? Love to move? Do you want to help humanity? What do you see? Setting off means embarking on a dream-chasing trip. The way to a higher level, to what has more significance, must be taken, says Kingma. It would assist if you changed your habits, and set out in the direction of something new” (2004, p.148).
If you are unaware of what you love, try remembering your childhood and teenage hobbies. What did you enjoy doing? Most likely, it made you forget yourself and lose track of time. But how can you accomplish more of what you love? Write five ways you can incorporate your passion into your life now.
Loving yourself is a four-step process. The first step is acknowledging your thoughts and feelings through communicating them to others. The second phase transforms your life to reflect your objectives, values, and beliefs. The third step is clearing out emotional, mental, and physical clutter. The final step is creating life goals and working towards them. These steps help create self-respect and happiness.
by Opator | Mar 10, 2022 | Self-Awareness
You may be oblivious to indicators of abuse. Knowledge is power when it helps save lives. Spot abuse early and avoid tragedy.
Domestic Violence
Domestic violence can be emotional, physical, financial, or sexual. If you are not comfortable in your relationship, step back and look at why.
Abuse can take many forms and may not seem abusive at first, as is sometimes the case with emotional abuse. Still, if a pattern of repeated behaviors makes you uncomfortable, you may be in an abusive relationship. Women are the most usually abused.
Signs of Abuse
Abusive behaviors include the following:
- Withholding money so you cannot purchase necessities;
- Isolating you from family and friends;
- Any behavior that is used to control or manipulate you;
- Intimidation;
- Sexual abuse;
- The attitude that a woman is to be barefoot and pregnant take care of husband and house, etc…or other strong attitudes about what a woman should do or not do;
- Jealous of any other relationship, family, or friends.
Help can be found at your local YMCA or the Department of Human Services. Ask for help! Even if you are a strong woman, there are ways that you can be helped that you don’t even know you need. It is reassuring not to be alone; you can get out of the situation; you do not need to stay. Call 911 if it is an emergency!! Tell them you are in danger; they cannot help you if you do not speak up. So many women are mistreated for years before receiving treatment.
Ways to Get Help
When a person is in a domestically violent situation, no matter what type of violence, the victim needs to get out; a plan of action must be in place to get out safely. One of the first steps to do is to establish a line of communication with someone outside of family and friends; if possible, if not, contact the local police department and ask for help. WomensHealth.gov is an excellent place to develop your plan and understand how to get out of the situation.
Understand Your Abuser
The plan to escape should also include understanding your abuser. Understand what they may do if they are angered, plan how to handle the anger, and run it. If the threat of physical violence is high, make yourself a tiny target by curling in a ball and tucking yourself into a corner with your head covered.
If your abuser prefers poisoning methods, do not eat or drink anything they may offer. If your abuser likes to set up traps, be extra diligent in watching for signs of traps.
Pack a bag with essential belongings and store it in a location where it’s easy to grab in a hurry. If you can drive, keep it in your trunk; if you cannot move, hide the bag somewhere prominent, so your abuser will not realize it. Having the bag evident will blend in, such as with the children’s laundry in their closets. If you cannot hide it in a prominent place, try to conceal an escape bag outside or in a closet by the door.
Do not wear anything that can be used as a weapon, such as scarves, long necklaces, or loose clothing.
Find excuses to leave and then return, as returning builds trust with the abuser. The abuser will trust you to come back to use this to escape. Try calling the domestic abuse hotline when you are out on one of these trips.
All this action may make you feel paranoid, but if it keeps you and anyone you are trying to protect alive, feeling paranoid is worth it for a time. Practice, practice, practice! If you practice your escape plan, you will be more prepared if your abuser tries to stop you. Be ready for anything, try to plan for the worst, and be prepared for it.
